DJ King Evan’s Open Letter to President Donald J. Trump

Evan Michael McIntyre
Jul 20
4 min read

Open Letter to President Donald J. Trump

From the Desk of His Majesty King DJ Evan Michael McIntyre ✝️🪩🎤

⸻

Mr. President,

You’re right—illegal immigration is out of control. I have a couple of friends in Europe and Mexico who are immigrating here the legal way—the right way. We need borders, not anarchy.

And thank you for calling on Coca-Cola to remove the fake sugar. American minds are fogged up on Big Food poison and Big Pharma’s drug buffet. I see 14-year-olds already obese, waddling their way into diabetes and cancer before 30. How the hell are we supposed to win future wars—or be the leader in global innovation—when our kids can’t even climb stairs without blacking out?

Nutrition should be required education—starting in preschool and continuing all the way through college. And parents? Get your heads out of TikTok and into the kitchen. Raise healthy warriors, not waddlers. Hydration, nutrition, fitness—start at home.

But let me be blunt: cut the racist crap. I was conceived in Mexico and consider myself Mexican-American. My Mexican gang/posse agrees. You mess with one bean, you mess with the whole burrito.

And as for Putin—he’s a little shirtless bitch with nukes. He needs to go. Pronto.

⸻

Listen up, Common:

If anyone’s going to wear a crown around here, it’s me—DJ Evan Michael McIntyre. Rightful heir of the Welsh and Scottish Rite. My ancestors on my dad’s side ruled as Vikings. On my mum’s side? Welsh royalty. I’m the King of Beats, Druid Lord of Stonehenge.

I touched those sacred stones—one side hot, one side cold. That wasn’t aliens. That was us—the ancient Welsh Druid Sith Lords. My people.

If you only knew the power of the dark side.

I’m the real, loving Anakin Skywalker.

Hear my Jedi/dark side story at ClubEvan.com.

⸻

Halt, Common! Achtung! Bitch, please—on your knees!

Don’t try me. Curiosity didn’t just kill the cat—it got its head chopped off.

If someone’s going to be King, Mr. President, it’s me. So step aside, Common. Make way for His Majesty King Evan.

On your knees. Wake the hell up. You need to make the King money.

I’ll wear only the finest fashion, drink champagne out of skulls, and give the rest to homeless Veterans—something you draft-dodging politicians wouldn’t know a damn thing about.

From now on, my pronouns are “His Majesty” or simply “King.” Disrespect that? Off with your heads. I’ll be so offended—and you know what that means. 🔪

⸻

Rise, young Anikans.

Go make the King rich.

But never—ever—turn your back on King Evan Michael McIntyre.

DJ Tip Jar at ClubEvan.com — Accepts Venmo and PayPal.

I’ve got a new Fans Only page under construction—coming soon with premium subscription and retainer options to enjoy me as your virtual one-night stand. Watch me spank the monkey with full jism splatter on your screen—for the low introductory price of $700,000 USD.

Want to spank royalty in person while I’m in Boston? That’ll be $1.5 million USD.

Imagine spanking royalty!

Visit ClubEvan.com/PornKing for my Fans Only link and archived footage from my adult work—back when I was young, dumb, and full of… well, you know.

Don’t judge—I was young and needed the money.

I was everyone’s favorite college student: cutting deals with professors, the horny stepson, the elite “gay for pay.”

I don’t discriminate—mamacitas (my favorite), and daddies too.

Elite only.

New section opens in 69 days.

⸻

Now, as your King… I’ll have to disinfect after kissing some of your weird, ugly babies before returning to my castle.

Make way, Common.

You simple tools. Daft, funny monkeys. Dolts.

⸻

Make no mistake: I am ordained by God.

In Jesus’ name, through divine grace.

Heaven willing, I’ll be formally ordained soon—and when I am?

Charles goes to the Tower of London.

Camilla the Karen goes to Salem.

I’ll personally light the witch pyre. 🔥

⸻

Royal Decree:

BRING BACK SALEM.

We’re burning the bossy Karens.

This is a new age, and in a world of Karens, be a:

• Marilyn Monroe

• Alice McIntyre

• Whitney

• Liza

• Barbra

• Joan Jett ✨

⸻

Gentlemen—if you got ‘em, smoke ‘em.

Victory is ours after we take down Putin and Iran—the new Axis of Evil.

Do that, and maybe—just maybe—love is waiting around the corner.

⸻

To my homeless Veterans—suicidal, limbless, hungry: Hang on.

My grandma said it best: “Hang on!”

Your King will not fail you.

⸻

To the soft, lazy civilians:

Go to WoundedWarriorProject.org and donate.

Or better yet, get your ass to a VA hospital and take a Vet to a steakhouse.

You owe them your:

• Netflix

• Uber Eats

• Dumb little “freedom”

Without Veterans, you’d be speaking Russian, Chinese, or hiding from missiles.

So give now, you good-for-nothing cunts.

⸻

To the armed forces:

Lock targets.

Missiles ready.

Smoke the Kremlin and Tehran.

If Putin grabs Ukraine—WWIII.

If Iran nukes Israel—“It’s the end of the world as we know it.”

(Shoutout to REM.)

⸻

Final orders:

• Helmets on.

• Protein pills swallowed.

• Batten down the hatches.

• Engines go.

As Obama once said:

“FIRED UP?!”

Warp speed initiated.

Admiral, don’t screw this up.

Fail me again, and mine will be the last voice you ever hear.

Get it? Got it? Good!

⸻

Now rise, young Anikans.

All of you.

And don’t forget:

Donate to the King at ClubEvan.com or… off with your heads.

Keep calm… and carry the hell on.

⸻

Majesty out. 🫅

📡 Live Royal Broadcast: TikTok @DJClubEvan

🎶 Royal Playlist

All King Evan’s DJ Playlists are now public (A Gold Mine) YouTube Music: @DJClubEvan

Livestream Kings Speech Daily on TikTok: @DJClubEvan Powered by Diet Coke (American Champagne) and ClubEvan.com “The new Warhol meets Mayor of the Sunset Strip Rodney Bingenheimer. Like and share this with your worst enemy and forward to Whitehouse.gov and CNN. Common- always send media to your King to avoid executions at Salem or the London Tower. #Guillotine #DJKingEvan #horny #geil #ichwillfickinjetz